Pre-Departure Thoughts, Part 1

here i am on the eve of the eve of the eve of one mighty exploratory journey and here is how i feel:

i go from a mood of extreme excitement and anticipation to a strong bodily urge to stay where I am, don't go, and be content with my stasis. sometimes I am overwhelmed by everything that goes with traveling alone to a foreign country. I know how it feels: I did this a few years ago, landing in Venice and then exploring the Croatian coastline before 3 months in Italy. This time I'm landing in a city of 8 million (Beijing) for my "adaptation" period of 4 nights and then flying off to an even more backwards land (and I don't even remotely speak the language). This time I'm staying with a host family. This time I won't be meeting up with other Americans for wild and crazy nights, Eurotrash style. This time I'll be put to work in an environment I've never worked before (TV studio). This time I will have to use electric converters, pray I don't lose my digital camera. This time I will truly be isolated.

When my body says "No! You can't go! And leave THIS!" (pointing at my sweet, sedentary life) it remembers what it went through in the first week in Venice and Croatia (heck, even on the flight over). It remembers what it went through upon returning to the daily USA grind (a full week of pure pain and displeasure). It remembers what it felt like to be truly alone and miles away from home.

I'm hoping my body remembers what it felt like midway through my term of service: pure elation, never wanting to leave this foreign place. I hope my body remembers what it is now like, how my life (and especially my writing) has been enriched tenfold for the very act of going.

Sure, this time I actually have someone to keep me from falling apart when I return (my Abby). But that will only make leaving harder on the heart.

I'll never be ready for this experience. Or any other future experiences. So I might as well not dwell on the question of "Will I be ready on June 21st?" Of course I won't be ready. But I'm only given one go at this, so I may as well take it when it comes.